Melody Holley

It’s so difficult for me to take two steps forward with out taking one step back and even more difficult to explain myself anywhere other than through writing.  There is this beautiful song  I can’t write, I can’t paint, I can’t do anything right now but be. And even being is difficult at times. I’ve had to completely readjust my life to a new normal - but haven’t we all??  I believe this is where the panic is supposed to set in and it has been manifesting itself in vivid dreams - more like nightmares- and I think it’s the fear coming out in dreams that I am suppressing in day to day realities that I just won’t own up to because I’m oh so tough and resilient.  We are all scared but we cover it up with humor. Deep down we are terrified. This is getting serious and it’s scary. We are losing the people we love and we are losing lives daily. Numbers are sky rocketing.  This is the first time that I have lived through something that seems surreal but is reality. Usua...

She comes and goes like Florida Showers Loving her gives her the power- The smile on her face masks the pain in her eyes I painted this the other night.  It was symbolic for my friend Kaitlyn. She loves dream catchers and she has 3 daughters.  Right now I am really trying to find my grounding again. At the moment I’ve lost my foothold on my foundation. I need it back. I feel a little like Florida showers and my paintings are the only things keeping  me a little sane at the moment. They help me give words to emotions I can’t express in words and in that painting I gave adoration to a person that I admire more than anything in this world. It was a picture of gratitude and thankfulness poured out onto a piece of paper.  Emotions suppressed are so unhealthy. And when you can’t figure out how you feel and you can pour them into an outlet, man it’s so amazing what can come out.  I am burning with so many emotions right now that is so hard to put into words and that I ...

Where have I gone? I pulled some sort of disappearing act? The truth is I was putting together and reevaluating pieces of myself again. Is this what I really want to do? Put myself out there for everyone to see my rise and falls?  Yes. It is. No matter how many times I fail I will try again. I pulled a disappearing act. It’s my MO. But here I am again ready to try again and back in action.  Life is full of chaos and it’s full of twists and turns and curve balls flying at you and you have to learn how to play dodge ball in order to survive.  Perception is everything. It dictates our reality. My perception was a bit fuzzy and I wasn’t sure what direction I was headed. Should I be a mental health advocate or should I keep my mental health private? This all stems from the dating world which I should keep separate from mental health advocacy but who ever I date, there’s a chance he will stumble upon my Twitter and my blog and find out more than I am ready to tell him. That’s a...

You can’t move forward if you hold on to the past. You need to let it go and not hold on to it bitterly or with regret. Your past can hold you from living your best future.  Unlocking the best future you can possibly have starts with letting go of the regrets of the past. Let go of the pain, let go of the bitterness. Forgive. Forget. Wipe the slate clean and move forward. It does not mean return to your past. It means you let go.  So many people are trapped in this disillusionment that harboring anger towards people will help ease their pain, but it won’t. It will only hurt you more to keep these feelings of bitterness trapped inside.  If you want a living testimony I have one. Just ask.  I see so many people living with resentment after breakups and and divorces that it’s not even funny. It’s only hurting you. It’s not hurting them. It’s hurting you. It’s preventing you from living your best life.  It’s human nature to want to be loved. And when that bond is br...

Everyone at work knows about my disorder. It’s not something I hide. It’s not something I am ashamed of. It’s also not something I brag about and wear with pride, but if they ask questions I acknowledge that yes I take medicine and I have bipolar disorder. I am made differently.  The chemicals in my brain are not balanced like yours so I need medicine to keep the levels balanced and on most days they work very well.  It’s not something I am ashamed of. It’s a part of a disorder I have and I try my hardest to make it look like it’s no big deal to have bipolar disorder. I am just as normal as anyone else when I am on my meds.  We have this illness but we should not allow it to control our lives. We need to take control of it. You can be fully functioning when you have the right doctors, therapy and support system.  It first starts by admitting you have a problem, then seeking help, then staying compliant with the help you are given.  I am so unashamed of having bi...

What is self love? Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Completely and wholly. Yourself. After all, we are all human.  We are often caught in this loop of negative self talk because we are limited by our circumstances of the cards we’ve been dealt. Take those cards and play them, play them well no matter what hand you’ve been dealt.  We aren’t called to be this immaculate ideal perfect human being. We are all flawed in some way. No one is perfect. We are called to be real.  This starts by taking off the masks.  Whether you face a mental illness or not, love yourself. Love everything about yourself. Accept the beauty that is yourself and don’t compare yourself to others. You were created to be special and unique just as you are.  You were beautifully designed from head to toe, every single detail was picked out - and you are beautiful. So stop talking negatively about yourself.  When you stop talking negatively about yourself you will be so surprised how the inte...

There is so much pain in life. There is so much hurt and there is so much strife. I can understand why anyone would want to escape reality. I can understand why anyone would want to leave this world behind in the belief that the afterlife has more to offer.  Right now, I am feeling it. In the past few weeks a lot of people close to me have lost close loved ones and have witnessed a lot of devastation. My heart breaks for them.  I understand grief because when I was 8 years old my grandma Mary past away and I was extremely close to her. She waited until we flew down to Florida to take her final breath and gave me her ring. To this day I still carry around the grief of my grandmas death and I believe she is a guardian angel watching over me.  Living in a world with so much pain and having a mental illness is hard. Some would say that living with so much pain causes the mental illness. It literally causes the chemical reaction in your brain because you can’t properly cope wi...

I’m not feeling intensely tonight so I have nothing profound to offer you. I wasn’t stuck in my head today. Isn’t that crazy? I don’t want this to turn into a journal where I just blog about what I did during the day, but when your day is filled with activities it takes you out of your own head and that’s a good place to be. Today I painted a cube. And it challenged me.  We should do things that make us lose our patience and challenges us. We shouldn’t strive to be mediocre. We should attempt to do things that test our abilities. I have zero patience and this really made me frustrated and I had to rise to the occasion. That is how and when we grow.  This is a 9 month course so I will definitely learn something from it whether it be how to paint or how to be patient.  Patience is the theme tonight. Living with a mental illness, I don’t know if you guys go through this but I certainly do. I lack patience. If I want something I want it right now. I don’t wait for things, I a...

We used to be kids in the backseat wasting time talking about high hopes and day dreams never thought love never thought life could take us far in what we believed This is a lyric from one of Mat Kearney songs and it really resonates with me. I am literally chasing my dreams right now being a mental health advocate. I have always dreamed big dreams and big things would happen, I never dreamed what they would be. I never had vision. Now I have a goal. That goal is to provide hope for you all. One way I will do that is by sharing pieces of myself and my story. Another way I will do that is providing strategies to cope. I will also do that by showing fragments of resilience and hope and courage to go out and be bold and share your own story with the world. I am so stepping out of my comfort zone, and you are stepping with me. I can see how many people view my blog, and I am so excited to see you guys following me on this journey. I am keeping calm and trusting ...

It was the day before my birthday. I walked into my job with my doctors note in hand. I went straight to HR, the people who are supposed to help you. The head HR person wasn’t there so the assistant came down and walked me over to my bosses office and that is when the worst of it happened. My dreams got ripped right out of my hands.  I worked at Electric Motor Contracting Company for 2 years and while I was in the mental hospital they told me I resigned. My question is, how could I have resigned while I was in the hospital?  Prior to all of this happening, I had just transitioned over to the nuclear side. I was very good at my job. I excelled with small motors and large motors and reorganized and made spread sheets for the entire storage unit and pumps department. So transitioning to nuclear was a dream come true!  Then I had a manic break that EMC did not understand. And when I said I wanted to be a gift giver in a state of delusion, they took that as me ...

EMC destroyed me. The stress of that place was the catalyst into my 3rd relapse. Again I wasn’t on medicine. I had a great man in my life. My job destroyed me. The people there, were terrible. Besides a handful. They were awful. I love my job now. That job was nothing but dirty polititcs. Thankfully I am no longer there.  That episode, hits a little too close to home and not enough time has passed for me to open up about it but soon enough I will.  Since this episode I have taken medicine religiously and not had a relapse. The doctors say I never will as long as I take medicine. So I will listen to the doctors.  My life has been a crazy, wild ride full of chaotic adventures. Way more than I have enough time to describe. They are all happy adventures. They are just delusions of grandeur. I have never gotten mad at anyone or gotten out of control. I’ve just done irrational things. Some of it is actually quite funny and I’ll break it down into posts as I go a...

In 2013 it happened again. Although this time it was triggered by my intense love for New York City. My uncle and my aunt took me for my graduation present and spoiled me rotten. We stayed at the Waldorf in the fanciest room with the best walk in shower. And I was treated like a princess.  The whirlwind of the hustle and bustle just catalysted a trigger in me that sent me into a spiral. When I can back from NYC I started dressing differently and acting differently and I started having delusions of gradious where I thought my dad had contacts watching over my every move.  I went to NYC April 5-8 and on April 13 the Boston bombing happened and that was when shit hit the fan. I thought I was the suspect they were looking for even though I had done nothing wrong but again with delusions of grandious you think that way. My dad kindly told me I wasn’t special enough and no one was looking for me.  He knew something was wrong so he took me to the ER where my fr...

During the recovery of that first episode, it wasn’t instant. It wasn’t over night. For the first few days I was still a little out of it. I remember specifically hearing helicopters in the sky and getting worried that my ex was after me which was ridiculous because he is one of the most gentle men in this world. But I would sit outside and draw and I would get concerned.  So I finally called him and asked. I was as hypersensitive as sensitive could get. My dads friend was in town and we rented the movie Precious and I couldn’t even watch the first five minutes of it. The only movie I could watch was Across the Universe on repeat over and over.  That was my first experience with a manic episode so it wasn’t even a bad episode. It was pretty tame. It centered around a boy. The next one also centered around a boy. So I literally have to be so precautious with my heart and guard it with everything I have and not allow myself to fall for someone who isn’t equally falli...

What does it mean to be authentic? The definition is genuine. So what does it mean to be genuine?  This picture sums up my authenticity tonight No makeup. No filter. No jewelry. Hairs a mess. But then again looks only carry you so far.  So what does it truly mean to be genuine? What is a genuine person? Matchbox 20 is the key to my soul and I believe my authenticity lies there. The key that unlocks my soul is hidden in the words of every single lyric Rob Thomas writes.  Reach down your hand in your pocket and pull out some hope for me, it’s been a long day. It’s 3am I must be lonely because someday they found my small town world on a big town avenue because I’m just one more hand me down.  Matchbox 20 holds so much power in every single lyric sung that it’s unbelievable how much it describes my soul. I am a matchbox 20 girl.  If I could just explain how Rob Thomas sings to my soul and it resonates within me, it feels like he wrote the songs for me. I’m sure it’s...

They’re are so few people who get me. Who truly, undoubtedly get me. Just the other day my parents found out that I don’t like chicken very much.  It’s not that I hide who I am, it’s that I don’t think that they’d understand. (Not that I don’t like chicken) They don’t understand my vulnerabilities that I keep so heavily guarded. If they knew half of what I thought on a daily basis I think they would be amazed at what runs through my mind.  This is so off putting because of you meet me, you will say I am the bubbliest, happiest girl you have ever met. Yet often times that leads you to being taken advantage of. And I stay quiet about it, but I am not blind to it. I see what goes on.  I just choose to take the higher road. When it is unbearably necessary then my bite is way harder than my bark. My bark is non existent but my bite will tear you apart.  To have self respect, you must take a stand for yourself. You don’t have to be a squeaky wheel every single time one lit...

How can you smile in the face of adversity? When something that you put hope in literally falls like a rock on your head, how do you put a smile on and cope with it and go about your day? First, you count your blessings and give praise to God. He gives life, He gives love, He brings light to the darkness.  Second, you believe that God is sovereign and He has a plan for your life. He has a destiny for you. He created you for a purpose and He will use you.  Third, you take a deep breath and you put a smile on your face and you fake it until you make it. Give yourself the proper amount of time necessary to vent and sulk, but don’t stay stuck there.  It is necessary to give yourself the proper amount of time to allow yourself to feel, but at some point you need to pick up the pieces and keep moving along. The world keeps on turning regardless of a broken heart.  Having a mental illness makes it a lot harder to deal with these emotions, especially having bipolar disorder....

Why am I constantly deleting myself and recreating myself? Am I having some sort of midlife crisis? I doubt it, I’m not old enough for that. Is it an identity crisis? I doubt that. I’m to firm in my identity for that.  I’ve been the same little girl that was in the fields picking flowers with the other girls and tying them together making head bands; while at the same time chasing the boys around the play ground playing tag. I’ve never grown out of that. This isn’t an identity crisis.  So why do I feel the need to constantly recreate myself? I’ve deleted and recreated my bumble so many times that it’s embarrassing to even say hi. I’ve gone AWOL from Facebook except to post blogs only to delete them within 24 hours.  The only security I have is the loss of security. This is different from insecurity. I am not insecure. I am very secure in who I am. But in the loss of security I find my security. By this, I mean by not placing my value of myself in other peoples opinion and...