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Pandemic

To say this pandemic has been a challenge is an understatement. Here is my best attempt at video blogging. It’s not perfect but it’s raw and real. 

And here is the special I did for the music video thingy




Recent posts

Feel Good

It’s so difficult for me to take two steps forward with out taking one step back and even more difficult to explain myself anywhere other than through writing. 
There is this beautiful song 

I can’t write, I can’t paint, I can’t do anything right now but be. And even being is difficult at times. I’ve had to completely readjust my life to a new normal - but haven’t we all?? 
I believe this is where the panic is supposed to set in and it has been manifesting itself in vivid dreams - more like nightmares- and I think it’s the fear coming out in dreams that I am suppressing in day to day realities that I just won’t own up to because I’m oh so tough and resilient. 
We are all scared but we cover it up with humor. Deep down we are terrified. This is getting serious and it’s scary. We are losing the people we love and we are losing lives daily. Numbers are sky rocketing. 
This is the first time that I have lived through something that seems surreal but is reality. Usually it is me living in a fal…

Florida Showers

She comes and goes like Florida Showers

Loving her gives her the power- The smile on her face masks the pain in her eyes
I painted this the other night. 

It was symbolic for my friend Kaitlyn. She loves dream catchers and she has 3 daughters. 
Right now I am really trying to find my grounding again. At the moment I’ve lost my foothold on my foundation. I need it back. I feel a little like Florida showers and my paintings are the only things keeping  me a little sane at the moment. They help me give words to emotions I can’t express in words and in that painting I gave adoration to a person that I admire more than anything in this world. It was a picture of gratitude and thankfulness poured out onto a piece of paper. 
Emotions suppressed are so unhealthy. And when you can’t figure out how you feel and you can pour them into an outlet, man it’s so amazing what can come out. 
I am burning with so many emotions right now that is so hard to put into words and that I can only pour out on paper. I’…

Disappearing act

Where have I gone? I pulled some sort of disappearing act? The truth is I was putting together and reevaluating pieces of myself again. Is this what I really want to do? Put myself out there for everyone to see my rise and falls? 
Yes. It is. No matter how many times I fail I will try again. I pulled a disappearing act. It’s my MO. But here I am again ready to try again and back in action. 
Life is full of chaos and it’s full of twists and turns and curve balls flying at you and you have to learn how to play dodge ball in order to survive. 
Perception is everything. It dictates our reality. My perception was a bit fuzzy and I wasn’t sure what direction I was headed. Should I be a mental health advocate or should I keep my mental health private? This all stems from the dating world which I should keep separate from mental health advocacy but who ever I date, there’s a chance he will stumble upon my Twitter and my blog and find out more than I am ready to tell him. That’s a risk I am willi…

Let it go

You can’t move forward if you hold on to the past. You need to let it go and not hold on to it bitterly or with regret. Your past can hold you from living your best future. 
Unlocking the best future you can possibly have starts with letting go of the regrets of the past. Let go of the pain, let go of the bitterness. Forgive. Forget. Wipe the slate clean and move forward. It does not mean return to your past. It means you let go. 
So many people are trapped in this disillusionment that harboring anger towards people will help ease their pain, but it won’t. It will only hurt you more to keep these feelings of bitterness trapped inside. 
If you want a living testimony I have one. Just ask. 
I see so many people living with resentment after breakups and and divorces that it’s not even funny. It’s only hurting you. It’s not hurting them. It’s hurting you. It’s preventing you from living your best life. 
It’s human nature to want to be loved. And when that bond is broken our ego takes a huge hi…

Open

Everyone at work knows about my disorder. It’s not something I hide. It’s not something I am ashamed of. It’s also not something I brag about and wear with pride, but if they ask questions I acknowledge that yes I take medicine and I have bipolar disorder. I am made differently. 
The chemicals in my brain are not balanced like yours so I need medicine to keep the levels balanced and on most days they work very well. 
It’s not something I am ashamed of. It’s a part of a disorder I have and I try my hardest to make it look like it’s no big deal to have bipolar disorder. I am just as normal as anyone else when I am on my meds. 
We have this illness but we should not allow it to control our lives. We need to take control of it. You can be fully functioning when you have the right doctors, therapy and support system. 
It first starts by admitting you have a problem, then seeking help, then staying compliant with the help you are given. 
I am so unashamed of having bipolar disorder because it’s …

Human

What is self love?

Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Completely and wholly. Yourself. After all, we are all human. 

We are often caught in this loop of negative self talk because we are limited by our circumstances of the cards we’ve been dealt. Take those cards and play them, play them well no matter what hand you’ve been dealt. 
We aren’t called to be this immaculate ideal perfect human being. We are all flawed in some way. No one is perfect. We are called to be real. 
This starts by taking off the masks. 

Whether you face a mental illness or not, love yourself. Love everything about yourself. Accept the beauty that is yourself and don’t compare yourself to others. You were created to be special and unique just as you are. 
You were beautifully designed from head to toe, every single detail was picked out - and you are beautiful. So stop talking negatively about yourself. 
When you stop talking negatively about yourself you will be so surprised how the internal representation of yourself sta…