Melody Holley

It is so important to draw boundaries and that is what I am learning. Life is all about relationships you build and in relationships you need to have boundaries. If you don’t have boundaries you allow people to walk all over you and that could be a cause of your unhappiness. You need to teach people how to treat you and how to respect you. You also need to treat and respect others the way you want to be treated and respected. It is a two way street.   It is important to stand up for yourself and build those boundaries. Tell people how you feel. Be honest with people without the fear of disappointing them. So you hurt their feelings? If you keep it bottled up, you are hurting yourself.  I wish I would have known this when I was going through my recoveries, when people were asking very personal questions that were none of their business. I am very much an open book, but to the right people. I am a closed book to people who are going to openly criticize my life. (I am opening up ...

You need glasses to see, you need crutches to walk. Some people need medicine to help their minds function properly and there is no shame in taking medicine if it is the proper medicine for you. Medicine is a very controversial topic and mental illness is a very taboo topic. I am bipolar type 1 and that is a very stigmatized label. It is very scary and often not thought kindly of. Yet I share my story boldly and proudly because I am on the proper treatment plan and I have the support system in place to keep my red flags in check. I am so well taken care of that I can literally e-mail my psychiatric doctor and hear back from her in the same day. I had to fight for that type of treatment.  It took me quite some time to get to this level of comfort with my mental wellness, but I have gotten here. There is no shame in saying you need help with you mental wellness and there is no shame in saying you have a mental illness. So what, your chemicals are imbalanced? Where is there shame in t...

This entry was written a year into my recovery when I was going through a bunch of med changes and trying to find the right combination for me and discovering myself. This is what mental unstability looks and feels like. I still have my days where I feel like this but they are very few and far inbetween. This is from a very personal blog, where I will be sharing from every now and then. The date on this is Friday, July 28, 2017. Mood Swing What’s really in my heart, and what’s really in my mind? Something is bothering me and it is much deeper than just the normal every day hassles. Something is seriously getting to me and really hurting my soul. Something is buried down deep inside my being and it’s not surfacing to the top so I can face it head on and deal with it. I am feeling intensely. I am feeling every little bit of everything going on I just don’t know what it is. I texted and called James and he didn’t respond. But that’s not what is bothering me. He is probably still ...

It is very important to inform you, the reader of the realities of a mental illness and the severities of it. I do not want to disillusion you with the upswing of the positivities of thriving with the wellness of having one without showing you the aspects of surviving with one.  I have been losing sleep for nearly a month now. I have been going through quite a bit of a manic phase which may have contributed to why I have been writing so frequently, and soon enough I will write only periodically. It is how my episodes work. It is very typical of this disorder and it is the reality of this disorder, so while I am in the mood to write, I will write and I will write as frequently as the mood strikes. And when I do not write I will reflect back on the beautiful mess I created when the beauty of my episode struck so magically and created a master piece of reflections to look back on.  I am not having delusions right now, so that is a major bonus, and if you were to look at me on the...

I left work early today.  I got in my car and i called Kaitlyn and i lost it. I cried hysterically because of the defeat i felt for leaving work early to come home and take my medicine and take a nap. I do not like it. But perhaps our strengths lie in knowing our limitations in our weaknesses and not exceeding them and going beyond them? Funny thing, i did the ultimate shameful no no thing to do. I lowered my medication because i thought i was ok. I jumped down from 120 to 60 of Latuda. You might be shaking your head. My therapist did. So now here i am typing this and force feeding myself mac and cheese so i can have enough calories in my system to take my Latuda 60 and then 60 more later tonight to balance out my system. Why did i suddenly drop my meds? Well you see, i have been reading the bible a lot and i have been conversing with God a lot and i asked him to show me a sign that i should or shouldn't be on medication. So as i began reading the bible i read the scripture of 1 Co...

April and August are my two hardest months to face. Why? Because the seasons change. Mentally I am strong and I am prepared for change on a daily basis. I can deal with changes easily. Chemically, in my brain, I cannot. So my brain does not want to deal with the changes of the season so it spirals into a manic episode which usually is a lot worse than what I faced this year. All that happened this year is I wrote a lot. And I lost a lot of sleep. A lot of sleep. Instead of sleeping I would think. I spend the night thinking of things instead of being able to peacefully drift away into lala land and dream of sheep.  You can try reading to sleep. That does not work for people who are bipolar. We get to interested in what we are reading and we can stay up all night invested in what we are reading even if it is the most boring book in the world. I don’t even watch tv to fall asleep. I turn off all my lights and just lay there in the dark, in the silence with my thoughts. And sleep does ...

Who are you? Who am I? I can’t tell you who you are, only you can tell yourself that. I can only tell you who I am. I am saved by the grace of God. I am a warrior. I am a survivor. I am resilient. I am undefeated. I am fearless. I am bold. I am a daughter. I am a worker. I am a church goer. I have a blog. I care about my family a lot. I am an auntie. I care about my friends a lot. I have two cats. And I have a mental illness called Bipolar 1. There are a lot of other things that define me and the list can go on for days but that is just a synopsis.  This is how I used to define myself: I am a walking contradiction, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am wreckless, I am carefree, I love with all my heart, I am too nice, I am too giving. Self-talk is important. It is super critical. How do you view yourself and how do you define yourself? What do you say to yourself and what do you say about yourself? Are you always talking bad about yourself? Are you always bringing yourself down and br...

When i was on my way to Eastern Va medical institute i distinctly remember after they let me out of the emergency vehicle and unchained me, i knelt down to tie my shoes tighter. I was preparing for a marathon. I did not know what i was gearing up for but i was gearing up! They led me into the wait room. I sat there pacing back and forth. Then started doing jumping jacks. Then push ups. Then the guy next to me started asking me questions so i started talking to him. He said he was sent here because he got in trouble for going to a party and getting busted for weed. That was the first time i questioned why i was there. They called my name and i was led to the back. They took my weight and blood pressure and then told me if anyone asks i am there for a period study. So i literally thought i was there for a period study.  I was then led into a big room that was an activity room but reminded me of the tv set orange is the new black for God knows what reason...  No one was in the ro...

You don’t stop just because someone tells you no. You don’t stop because there is a road block. You don’t stop because of your limitations. You stop, you pause, you re- center, you re-group and you pick yourself up and you keep going.  There are times that we need to take a break and take a moment to reflect and think about how we could have done things differently and what mistakes we made and how we can learn from them, but don’t stay trapped there. Don’t wallow there. You pick up your pieces and you keep trekking along and you look for the next opportunity because the next opportunity will come!  There is no time to wait and wallow in defeat. There is no time to waste away. There is no time to think of the burden you bear. No you pick up the pieces and you keep moving along. Life doesn’t wait for you and you shouldn’t wait for life.  I got some bad news today. It was totally unexpected. My plan A fell through and now I will have to make my plan B my new plan A. It hit ...

Its hard to understand why i am going through what i am going through right now. For the past 3 years things have only been going up for me and i have only been getting stronger. I have been hit with some pretty hard turbulence this year that couldve made my life rocky and hard but instead i allowed it to mold me and shape me into a stronger person. Every thing was going so well.... Then Monday hit, and it hit me hard. Like a bulldozer carrying thousands of pounds of wet concrete ready to pour over my life and bury me alive. It broke me down. It tore into me like i havent experienced in a very long time. I cried out to God. I didnt blame Him, instead i praised Him. I thanked Him for my life but i asked Him why is this happening to me? Then i read the story of Job. You see, my blogs would be pointless and serve absolutely no purpose if i didnt go through my fair share of trials too. Mental illness does not mean smooth sailing. There is no magic pill and then you are cured of every ailme...