Mood Swing

This entry was written a year into my recovery when I was going through a bunch of med changes and trying to find the right combination for me and discovering myself. This is what mental unstability looks and feels like. I still have my days where I feel like this but they are very few and far inbetween. This is from a very personal blog, where I will be sharing from every now and then. The date on this is Friday, July 28, 2017.


Mood Swing


What’s really in my heart, and what’s really in my mind? Something is bothering me and it is much deeper than just the normal every day hassles. Something is seriously getting to me and really hurting my soul. Something is buried down deep inside my being and it’s not surfacing to the top so I can face it head on and deal with it. I am feeling intensely. I am feeling every little bit of everything going on I just don’t know what it is. I texted and called James and he didn’t respond. But that’s not what is bothering me. He is probably still sleeping. 

 

I feel like I am suffocating. Like I can’t breathe. I feel like I need to just pace back and forth for a while to get a grip on life to get a grip on the situation. This is a mood swing. This is a mood swing and I can get through it I just have to fight. I have to fight to acknowledge it for what it is and let it go. I took a Xanax and I am still feeling this huge weight on my shoulders like something bad is going to happen today. This is usually when I get on the phone and call all my family and make sure they are ok and that there is nothing to worry about. It’s miserable feeling this way. I hate feeling this way but it’s the way I feel and I cannot help it. I feel like I could lose control any minute now but I am so good at keeping my control and a smile on my face that none of my co-workers passing by would know any different from any other day. They would just think oh hey she is writing again. I am sure they wonder what I write about but I would never share it with them. I can’t share it with them. This is so personal I can’t even share it with anyone. My moods are going a little crazy right now. I feel like crying is in me but no tears are being produced. I feel like my body is attacking me. My legs hurt, my arms hurt my brain hurts. I just hurt. I am sure that I am being over dramatic about most all of this but my emotions are just a little out of place and out of the ordinary. I just can’t seem to get control of myself today. I have work to be done but I am putting it off and I am just going around and around in circles trying to figure out what triggered my mood but nothing seemed to trigger it. I got up, got dressed and came into work. I did miss my routine because it was raining outside and maybe routine is very important to me. I need routine in my life and without it, I get triggered into these frenzies of panic and emotion. 

 

James just texted me back and I am still feeling out of control. So mark that off of my list. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I pretend to be ok. I am good at pretending to be ok. I am good at pretending like everything in my little world is going fine when in reality it is all falling apart. Nothing really is falling apart of course, but it just feels like things are falling apart and I can’t seem to put them back together. It’s like this fear is over whelming me and I can’t seem to get control of it. I can’t seem to control anything. I can barely control myself. I can’t control any emotion I am having except for how it appears on the outside. That I can control. I can put on a face like nothing is going on like everything is fine and dandy when inside my being I feel like my whole world is being torn apart and ripped to shreds. If it were a picture, it would be like a person trashing everything in a hotel room. Just throwing everything. The lamp, the couch, shattering the window, taking pictures off the wall and breaking them over his knee. I just have so much anger and rage right now that just won’t seem to cease. 

 

New Hampshire. It’s my safety place and I can’t seem to get there. I feel so far from the comfort of the cabin in the woods. I can think about it but I can’t go there. I can’t seem to get my mind to form a thought past the emotions I am feeling that are triggering a cascade of urgencies that seem to be throwing me down a spiral. 

 

And just like that I feel better now. I feel like I can make it through work. I feel like the mood swing has passed and I can breathe again. It was an hour of tragedy. More like two hours. But I am back. I am no longer in my frenzy. My heart has slowed down, I am doing ok. I feel emotions and they still weigh heavy on my heart but it’s nothing I can’t handle today. It’s nothing that I can’t manage through writing. Writing is my cathartic release. And not writing for an audience makes it even better. Writing, to keep a personal log, keeps me going through the days and getting through the emotions.

 

Deep breath in, deep breath out. I just had to write it all out. That’s it. I just had to go through the emotions. Work through them even though I don’t really know what I was working through or towards, but I feel better now. I feel like I opened up a door to my soul that’s been barricaded for decades. My soul is still wounded. My soul still hurts, but I can get through it. I can get through the day because I laid my soul bare in a word document that explains the turbulence of the emotions I was feeling. I feel better. I feel much better. I feel released of the spell of emotions I was under. I don’t know why I have to work through it in writing but I do and today my hands couldn’t keep up with actual writing what my mind was going through so I had to unleash my fury onto a keyboard. I feel a release. I feel a breath of fresh air. Well not really, but I don’t feel the need to explode from emotional overload anymore. I feel like I can breathe and I can work through the rest of the day. I feel like I can relax a little, I don’t feel so tense and rigid. I feel like I can take a deep breath and let things go. Maybe it had to do with hearing from James. I don’t know. All I know is the emotions I felt were very real, and they were very overwhelming. Maybe hearing from James is my comfort and helps to soothe the aches and pains of reality