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Security



Why am I constantly deleting myself and recreating myself? Am I having some sort of midlife crisis? I doubt it, I’m not old enough for that. Is it an identity crisis? I doubt that. I’m to firm in my identity for that. 

I’ve been the same little girl that was in the fields picking flowers with the other girls and tying them together making head bands; while at the same time chasing the boys around the play ground playing tag. I’ve never grown out of that. This isn’t an identity crisis. 

So why do I feel the need to constantly recreate myself? I’ve deleted and recreated my bumble so many times that it’s embarrassing to even say hi. I’ve gone AWOL from Facebook except to post blogs only to delete them within 24 hours. 

The only security I have is the loss of security. This is different from insecurity. I am not insecure. I am very secure in who I am. But in the loss of security I find my security. By this, I mean by not placing my value of myself in other peoples opinion and allowing myself the grace and option to recreate myself until I’m satisfied with who I want to be, I feel satisfaction. 

I’m not afraid to appear foolish. Yes, I’m going through that teenage funky stage of figuring things out. I am growing. Right now I’m a 


I won’t apologize for me going through this stage. It appears absolutely insane on the outside, but that’s because as outsiders you see the concept with out understanding the context. 

https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1rIG_1DNPc48ZZ-sFUnIFqm1Gj8WO1En_

I understand this quote at a deeper level, and I think I’m trudging through the negatives right now to get to the positives that will come at the end of this tunnel I am walking through. 

This tunnel is more like the kind you go through at a haunted theme park that has strobe lights and a twisting bridge and all sorts of funny things happening. I’m ok with that. You have to go through the bad to get to the good. 

I read a quote that said two men looked out through the barn and one saw mud and the other saw stars. I see stars. While I am trudging through this, my chin is up and I see the silver lining. I am changing. My life is changing. 

Caterpillars go through darkness to turn into butterflies. Coal undergoes pressure and turns into a diamond. I too am undergoing some kind of crazy sort of unrealistic something and I believe something beautiful is going to come out of all the changes. 

At some point I will settle down and I will become grounded. I will stop deleting and I will just know. That this is it, this is now. This is where I begin and I will start from there and never look back and just continue forward. I’m so close to that stage. 

I’ve set my goals, and they are achievable. I have my people, and they are good. It’s leap year. 

So maybe I will leap today into the start of not looking back and just moving forward. 
https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1mKQ2Mw0Y89M3x9e5YBNesJ_8xSAXRU3-
The past is now my stepping stones and I am leaping forward. Tomorrow is March 1, and I am stepping ahead one foot in front of the other, with security. 

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