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The Lucky One

I left work early today. 

I got in my car and i called Kaitlyn and i lost it. I cried hysterically because of the defeat i felt for leaving work early to come home and take my medicine and take a nap. I do not like it. But perhaps our strengths lie in knowing our limitations in our weaknesses and not exceeding them and going beyond them?

Funny thing, i did the ultimate shameful no no thing to do. I lowered my medication because i thought i was ok. I jumped down from 120 to 60 of Latuda. You might be shaking your head. My therapist did. So now here i am typing this and force feeding myself mac and cheese so i can have enough calories in my system to take my Latuda 60 and then 60 more later tonight to balance out my system.

Why did i suddenly drop my meds? Well you see, i have been reading the bible a lot and i have been conversing with God a lot and i asked him to show me a sign that i should or shouldn't be on medication. So as i began reading the bible i read the scripture of 1 Corinthian 11:30 and i asked my pastor about mental illness and that verse. I leaned on my own understanding and his undetstanding and not on what God was saying and what the doctors say. 

My pastor is an amazing man and i believe he speaks truth and he knows the word of God. I was listening on YouTube as i was working today to the book of Ephesians, Galatians or Colossians they are all short so it was one of those but it was talking about how we all have dying human bodies. The scripture doesnt say it but i believe that is why we have doctors. They prescribe us medicine to help our decaying bodies until we recieve our heavenly bodies. The moral of the story is lean not on your own understanding... listen to your doctor. 

What also pissed me off as i was leaving work was someone said something like "we can't all be the lucky one" i dont know if they were referring to me leaving early or if i misconstrued the whole situation... but if i didnt... how on earth am i the lucky one for having a mental illness???

Having my hair fall out because of the side effects of one medication then having to switch to another. Having to take a medication that cancer patients take just to avoid being sick to my stomach. Having to force feed myself every night just to take medication amd gaining weight because of it. Having to take enough pills to put down a cow and still not be able to sleep. Having to sacrifice my dignity at times for the sake of my sanity. The list can go on for days.

You tell me how i am the lucky one. 
Sweetdreams <3

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