Melody Holley

I have been a Lone Ranger for quite some time and by that I mean, I haven’t been reading my Bible like I should. I know God is with me. I know His grace covers and protects me, and I know He is sovereign but I have been taking it for granted.  I went to my home church this morning. I’ve been going to River Oak but I decided to go to my home church with my mom this morning.   The message really spoke to me. Pastor Ray said basically that it’s easy to understand from an outside perspective and make a judgment call but unless you know the context of the situation you don’t understand the concept of the reality of the situation.  He preached out of John 4 where Jesus had to go through Samaria which was basically going through a land of the most hated people to get to Galilee. There he met a Samaritan woman by the well who had been married 5 times and living with a man. And he asked her for water. And she was surprised. Then Jesus said if she only knew the gift God had for her...

I have literally deleted myself and created myself on bumble more times than I can count on two hands and two feet. I have deleted and reactivated my Twitter 4 times in the past 2 weeks. I literally have a blog post title “Ghosted”.  And I have edited my Facebook profile to include my blog and erased it several times.  So what’s up?  Listen to this song.  You can blame this on my mental health and instability but that’s not what it is at all. I am 100% stable and I have been for a while now. There’s a deeper cause that doesn’t need to be treated by medicine but by finding out the root of the problem that you can only figure out for yourself. No one can tell you the problem. You have to find it out on your own through self awareness and exploration and spending time thinking about how exactly you are feeling and why you are feeling that way- self reflection.  And this is what I have concluded  I literally want to be loved. Not in the romantic sense. In gener...

When you play with fire you get burned.  I exposed myself so openly for the world to see and so boldly I laid myself so shamelessly naked and exposed.  There’s a big difference in a private life and a public life and I am learning to draw boundaries in being a mental health advocate. What to share and what not to share. What not to share is the every day happenings. What’s ok to share is my past that is long history.  It’s a learning process and I am still learning on this journey. I am learning to be open without being too open that I make myself clam up and go into a  hibernation of shame.  It’s a tricky thing to play with fire. You have to learn how to handle it. I remember sitting in Hawaii at a luau and watching the artist handle the fire sticks. I sat there with amazement in my eyes. That is what I am attempting to do with mental health and it’s a balance. I am getting there and I’ve found my style. Now I am trying to find my voice. Bear with me. 

I just straight up ghosted everyone!  I was up to 108 followers on twitter and a following of 50 blog readers and I abandoned them all. And I’ve never felt more liberated. One day I will make my writings public again and share them with everyone but when I write for an audience it loses its authenticity and I get so effing carried away. So I did something for myself.  I’m taking a break from this journaling bull and I’m going to return to art. My other love.  So for now I am taking a break from writing for an audience, and taking a break from dating apps and focusing on myself. I’m really hoping to hear from someone... but I haven’t since Sunday. But I’m really not trying to date around anymore. Like if things are meant to happen they will. Let’s not try to rush into things.  Life is a beautiful chaotic mystery and I love seeing the way it unfolds day by day and I love writing it down and blogging about it. I don’t love making it a public display like an animal in a ...

Life is a mystery. It is the great unknown. We really don’t know what tomorrow brings. I didn’t know what was happening to me when I sat in the doctors office with Dr Faulkenstein in fetal position.  He asked me where my dad was. I replied “he’s in the Oval Office.” I literally thought my dad was in the CIA and he was connected to President Barack Obama. I specifically remember on the drive to the doctors office writing an encrypted message in a Manila envelope labeled “Disclaimer” and handing it to the lawn boys on my way out of my neighborhood.  That was my very first experience with a delusional episode which is a common signifier of Bipolar type 1.  Symptoms started weeks before that, but escalated into a full blown manic episode. Another doctor who specialized in psychiatric care tried to give me water and crackers but I was convinced that he was “in on the plan” so they gave me medicine. Which I complied with. And I got better.  There’s more to the story which ...

A while ago, the Pastor at the church I attended was teaching how God gives you gifts and He never takes them back no matter how good or bad you are. That made me feel encouraged. He said that you had to plant your seed and develop it, build the right character and then it will flourish.  I have been given a special gift of wearing my heart on my sleeve and being super in touch with my emotions and translating into a blog entry that others can relate to.  You have been given a gift too, you just have to find it.  Now is my time to give my gift away. I have been developing my gift since I was old enough to write. And for the past 3 years I have been working on a very private journal. Writing makes me feel empowered.  It makes me feel empowered making you feel empowered.  It’s time to start sharing my journey with you because I am in such a stable state right now. Yes- I go through the same struggles every basic human goes through!!!! But as far as being a well ro...

I feel things  d e e p l y.  It’s like a child who experiences the smallest tragedies as a big deal. Yea- never grew out of that. It is because certain parts of my brain light up that don’t typically light up in the average brain. So what happens is I over think and I feel immensely.  Medicine totally helps stabilize my moods but it doesn’t change the intensity of my feelings just the way I react to those feelings. I have control over my reactions. I don’t have control over how I feel. I cannot say something doesn’t bother me when it does because even at a subconscious level it affects me.  I saw an elderly couple cross the street one time and I melted in tears because I thought it was the sweetest thing. Emotions are not something I can turn on and off.  Bipolar - a brains light up everywhere!!! Neurotransmitters are on fire! This is not made up, this is science. Yes it can be manipulated with medicine but you still feel the emotions and the intensity of it, wh...