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Run and Hide

I have literally deleted myself and created myself on bumble more times than I can count on two hands and two feet. I have deleted and reactivated my Twitter 4 times in the past 2 weeks. I literally have a blog post title “Ghosted”.  And I have edited my Facebook profile to include my blog and erased it several times. 

So what’s up? 

Listen to this song. 


You can blame this on my mental health and instability but that’s not what it is at all. I am 100% stable and I have been for a while now. There’s a deeper cause that doesn’t need to be treated by medicine but by finding out the root of the problem that you can only figure out for yourself. No one can tell you the problem. You have to find it out on your own through self awareness and exploration and spending time thinking about how exactly you are feeling and why you are feeling that way- self reflection. 

And this is what I have concluded 

I literally want to be loved. Not in the romantic sense. In general. Love to me is a loaded gun and my heart is beating too fast and it scares the life out of me. I don’t want to run and I don’t want to hide so instead I keep playing peek a boo and it’s confusing people when in reality, I’m too scared to take the leap and jump in with my whole heart. I’m scared of being broken and shattered again by what anyone thinks of me. So I put myself out there and I take myself back over and over again. I’m so scared that I’m getting it wrong when in my heart I’m so certain I’m getting it right. 

Mental health is my passion. It is what I absolutely live for. Sharing my story is something I want to do. In time I will share more and more pieces of it. 

So I’m taking a jump. I’m taking the leap. Tonight I setting a firm foundation for a house that I won’t bulldoze. I won’t destroy this one. I’m setting a footprint into my path for my future. This is the direction I want to head in. This is where I want to go. 

You will see more from me in the future. I’m going to be brave and I’m going to be bold, I’m going to have courage and I am not going to run and hide 

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