Resilience

I feel things  d e e p l y. 

It’s like a child who experiences the smallest tragedies as a big deal. Yea- never grew out of that. It is because certain parts of my brain light up that don’t typically light up in the average brain. So what happens is I over think and I feel immensely. 

Medicine totally helps stabilize my moods but it doesn’t change the intensity of my feelings just the way I react to those feelings. I have control over my reactions. I don’t have control over how I feel. I cannot say something doesn’t bother me when it does because even at a subconscious level it affects me. 

I saw an elderly couple cross the street one time and I melted in tears because I thought it was the sweetest thing. Emotions are not something I can turn on and off. 

Bipolar - a brains light up everywhere!!! Neurotransmitters are on fire! This is not made up, this is science. Yes it can be manipulated with medicine but you still feel the emotions and the intensity of it, what changes is the way you respond. You don’t swing from one mood to the other. You don’t go from zero to one hundred. You learn self control. 

I highly agree with medicine, if it’s right for you. Many people abuse medicine or are not accurately diagnosed or just don’t know enough to properly describe their symptoms to their doctors for their doctors to make the proper diagnosis. Do your research!!! Then do some more! Then don’t stop until you’ve exhausted all the google searches and reddit boards! 

As far as feelings go, feel deeply and don’t be afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve. It’s one of the most beautiful things you can do to be this genuine creature in a world that hides behind masks. 

I will totally admit that on bumble I play the tough chick. It’s so easy to wear masks on social media. It’s easy to broadcast what people want you to see and not be so candid. 

But in real life, people wear masks too. In. Real. Life. 

They hide behind this picture of perfection instead of owning that we are all beautifully flawed. I own it. I am totally a walking contradiction. My mind changes with the direction of the wind. What you see is exactly what you get and there is no hiding anything. 

Vulnerability and the ability to let your guard down and allow your weaknesses to be exposed isn’t such a bad thing. 

I’ve been asked why I can walk around so unashamed about my condition with Bipolar Disorder. 

Why should I have shame? I didn’t choose this. Do I have shame over some of the things I did when I was unstable? Yes and no. I’ve forgiven myself for them and I am hardcore religious with taking my medicine so that way it never happens again. I take care of myself. 

Mental illness isn’t something we chose. It is a chemical imbalance in our head. It is something that happened due to circumstances that triggered neurotransmitters to stop firing correctly to release dopamine or serotonin or GABA or so on. It isn’t solely your fault. It is an environmental and genetic composition that predisposes someone to this predicament. 

So no, I have no shame. It’s a condition I have and why shouldn’t I boldly speak about it and see the silver lining in it and how it gives me the ability to feel things deeper than the average person and see the world in a different perspective than most people because of the experiences I’ve gone through. 

What’s it’s done is create a testimony for me to share with others of the incredible power of resilience and how God has literally had His hand on my life from the beginning until now guiding me every step of the way. His grace has always covered me. 

True candid moments and feelings: this is me wearing my heart on my sleeve:

Yesterday was a rough day. I have bad days too. And I definitely had one yesterday.