Sovereign

This year I did that. March 17th was my turning point. Where it literally was a catalyst for change. A huge turning point in my life. 

I took up the challenge to start loving myself. Just the way I am. Every single flaw I saw as a part of my uniqueness. It took a long time to get to that point. It didn’t happen over night. 

Your mind is a very powerful thing. I love this song by Halsey not because she is full of bitter rage because I am not full of bitter rage but one line sticks out “I gotta recognize the weapon in my mind”

Perception is everything and I had to literally shift my perspective from codependency to independency. You have no idea how difficult that was. Literally going from counting on someone for support to having to lean hard on friends and myself. 

I ought to give myself more credibility for going through what I did and not allowing it to make me bitter. 

Maybe it’s because I read so many inspirational quotes? But let’s be real and let’s be honest here. My life has been shattered 3 times, like torn completely upside down. For one of those times my ex stood beside me and fought with me and I am thankful to him for that. 

Getting back to the point- my life was destroyed 3 times because I did not believe I had a disorder. I got knocked down cold 3 times. Lost everything. And yet I am not bitter. How is that even possible?

It is because I recognize the grace and sovereignty of God. I am by no means the perfect Christian. At all. But I believe in God with all of my heart. And I believe He has His hand on my life and He guides and protects me and everything He has done has served a purpose for being exactly where I am at this very moment writing this very blog helping you understand that you are not alone in your struggle with mental illness. 

I had the perfect job 4 years ago. I was obsessed with nuclear and electric motors and I badly wanted to become a project manager. I worked my way up from small motors over to the nuclear side. Completed all the courses. And began as the administrative assistant. 

I could talk so nerdy to you about Uranium and atomic particles and covalent bonds, but I won’t. I know how nuclear reactors work and I literally geek out over CANDU reactors. But, I had an episode and during that episode I was let go from that job. 

Kindly, they said I resigned. And I got a job with AOS a month later. For the first 2 years I could not understand why I was there. I was miserable. And now looking back in retrospect I understand the sovereignty of God. 

My old job was not a good environment for me, and this one is. The ladies at this job nourish my soul and build up my character. 

I have always had trouble connecting with women. Being submersed in a building full of 200 women and 5 men you learn very quickly how to develop relationships. 

In the top left hand corner you see, I am Switzerland. That is how you get along with 200 ladies. 

God took me out of a pretty toxic environment and put me in one where my charachter could really grow and flourish and now I am going back to school to pursue my dreams of becoming a Doctor of Psychology. That has been my passion since I was 18 and I am finally pursuing it. 

Had none of this happened: Being let go from my old job, and the divorce.... I wouldn’t be in the position I am now to pursue my dreams. So how can I be bitter about that?

I think sometimes we only look at the negative instead of how we can transform the negative into something that can really benefit us in the scheme of a bigger picture that God has painted for us in His masterpiece of life. How the masterpiece turns out, He gives us free will to decide- but if you put your trust in Him it will be beautiful. 

I imagine mine will be something like this. Dark hues with vibrant accents. Definitely noticeable strokes. 

It’s a night time picture because my life has a lot of dark moments. So you can tell it has a dark base paint. But it turns out so vibrant and so beautiful because I’ve recognized my gift and how to use it, how to love myself and how to look at the bigger picture. 

Yes mental illness is hard. It’s dark. It does not have to stay dark. You can paint any picture you want. You hold the paint brush, paint something beautiful.