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Rest

I have been fighting so hard to create a voice and for my voice to be heard that I am resting now. There comes a point that you need to take a time out, if only for a moment. 
https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1hH3F79eGLOPNZVLlt6zLP3MgFagtvjRx
I’ve succeeded and surpassed in areas I didn’t think I could and I’ve also fallen flat on my face multiple times. But I believe in failing forward. When you have a dream you chase after it. 
https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1cm3EVGxJWC-BsF3ck28QyHA9Y7HC1J3u
No matter how many times you fall flat on your face, you keep picking yourself up and trying again 
https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1IHDHztQCx0vdXINIba4JmjgZ1eyU_-SO
I have been through a lot in this life and I have a very crazy past and I will share some of it with you tonight.  

AVP

AVP came into my life right after I had broken up with one of the greatest loves of my life KS. My cousin asked me in September if I wanted to go to a marine ball with his roommate and I said sure why not. And the next day AVP texted me and said “Hey whats up Smelly Mel” and I was totally turned off.

He ended up visiting for Thanksgiving and I ignored him the whole dinner and afterwards the adult children played a game called Things and that’s when I finally payed him attention and I was smittened. He was so smart and playful. He stayed after the game was done and helped me cleanup the kitchen and had the best manners. 

He asked for my number and texted me as soon as he left that night headed back to Jacksonville. He was such a smooth talker and called me Bella. And I was smittened. 
He came back for Christmas and we had a real connection. We sat up one night talking until 5am about everything and anything you can imagine. I was sold. But he didn’t live in VA. So for him it was out of sight out of mind. For me it was I am all in. 

That is when my first delusion started. I was obsessed with a boy who didn’t even respond to my messages and that is why I keep my heart so carefully guarded now. I don’t allow myself to fall unless I feel it’s being reciprocated and I’m certain. 

AVP told me he was a tactical officer in the marines and that he was going off to train so I wouldn’t hear from him for two weeks but two weeks turn into 4 weeks and I am not sure what was going through my mind but I thought he felt just as strongly about me as I did for him, so I waited patiently. I would text him sweet messages with no response just to let him know I was thinking about him - oblivious to the fact that he had ghosted me. 

It was a delusion. I built it up in my head that he felt for me like I felt for him when he didn’t. He was off with multiple girls when we had something going on. 

I went into full blown psychosis looking for him and making up imaginary stories in my head about him secretly coming into town to propose to me. Or playing hide and seek with me and I just had to find him and he was leaving me clues of how to find him. He wasn’t. It was all in my head. 

I am so guarded now. I will leave a boy in a heart beat if the feelings aren’t mutual because that charade went on for 7 years. 

AVP ended up moving to Virginia and of course he came back around and he tried to work things out and tell me how much he cared about me, but I could see the damage he had done and I couldn’t look past it so I had to end it. I was stable by then.

I have to be so careful to guard my heart and not allow it to fall for someone who isn’t equally going to fall for me because this is the kind of thing that can happen. Yes, I will never have a delusion again but I am also so suggestible and gullible. 

My heart is not something that can be played with. It is not something that can be easily broken into. It is guarded for a reason. 

My ex took such great care of it, and I am so thankful for that. We just found out that we weren’t really compatible. But he’s an amazing guy and I have complete respect for him. 

My heart is literally on the line but it’s an icicle. It’s going to take some sort of miracle to break through it. 

That is an unmedicated bipolar in a manic phase inlove. I was definitely inlove. And it lasted for 7 years until I found my next great love JMD- but I wasn’t medicated. 

It may be a while until I love again or it may smack me in the face. I really don’t know and I’m not really concerned but I am guarding my heart because that was a hard lesson to learn and an even harder pill to swallow. 

That was my first manic break. 
https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1U2IRj8YQS8B1yYZgiXWCrUJ35CRzNdhK

I have overcome this. This wasn’t the end of me. This was the start of my journey. We all have a journey in life. Mine was a winding road and now it’s a straight shot to the top. It will be a difficult climb but I’m willing to put in the effort. 


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