I wrote this blog maybe 5 years ago? I wasn’t medicated then. It is difficult now to read because I realize I do fit in and I am normal and I am a part of society. Back then I felt so isolated and so alone because I wasn’t medicated. I had so many emotions I couldn’t explain or control. There is hope if you get help. It is a process, a very slow process but it is so worth it to feel connected and supported. We all have to start somewhere and the first step is realizing you have a problem. Here is the post:
Normal has such a high standard. Especially when you've been on the outside looking in and trying to fit in your whole life.
When I was 5 years old, I looked at my dad and said to him "Daddy, when I grow up I want to be a white girl." This had nothing to do with one race being better than another. It had everything to do with the fact that all of my cousins(on my dads side) were white, and I just wanted to fit in.
All my life, I have just wanted to fit in. About 5 years ago, I found a magnet at hallmark. It said "why are you trying so hard to fit in, when you were born to stand out" That began my journey of self discovery.
You see, my personality has been ingrained in me since I was just a kid. I've tried numerous times to change who I am. I've worn numerous masks to pretend I am some one different, but in the end... I am still the same girl running around the play ground playing tag with all the boys as well as the girl sitting in a field of flowers making crowns out of dandelion's with the girls. I've never changed. I just have many, many masks.
The most bare my soul has ever been was at a matchbox 20 concert, where the words that Rob Thomas was singing to me were words about my own life. It felt as if he had been watching me all along from a distance writing songs to help me understand how I feel and what I am going through.
Going to that concert was such a spiritual night, because the words came to life. The lights, the music, the words. It all had such special meaning. It was the beginning of my journey towards self acceptance.
Even now I struggle with being so different. I wish I could be like everyone else and have the same mindset that everyone else has, but more and more I find that the harder I try to suppress who I am the more depressed I become. The more self conscious I become. The more I think and self criticize and try to redefine who I am.
I've tried to take medicines to make my mind slow down and focus. It isolated me even more from the rest of the population. Even just recently, I tried to self medicate to help me become a normal functioning member of society. It did not help one bit.
Last night on my way to James house, I took the medication and poured it along the street so that I would not be tempted to take it again. I decided then and there that I don't want medication. I am good enough. I am worthy enough. I just need self discipline and I need to know that when push comes to shove I can achieve what ever I desire. It's not out of my reach. I can do it. I just have to become more mentally aware that I am a lot stronger and more capable than I even thought I was.
I have been so down on myself lately for no other reason than the fact that I can't be like everyone else. I can't be on the same page. the things they talk about I don't have an interest in and can hardly contribute to conversation. if I do it's not because I want to, it's out of sheer obligation.
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