The Art of Friendship

This past Sunday, one of the things that stuck out in Pastor Rays teaching is how in the Garden Of Eden God creates Adam to tend the land. He then created Eve to build a relationship with Adam. That was Eve’s purpose: to form a relationship. That is what we women were designed to do is form relationships. It was built into our being. 

When I was in a relationship for five years I had no friends. I revolved my entire life around the love of my life and made myself as convenient for him as possible. The only friend I had was my sister in law Mollie, which she was obligated to be my friend so that didn’t really count. Even then, I would often times choose my lover over her. 

Going through a divorce was a sink or swim moment. I developed one of my best friends, Kaitlyn. We had been roommates for nearly 3 years and rarely held a conversation, but when things fell apart she sat me down and came up with a plan A, B and C and has been my back bone ever since. 

She was my first true friend and she taught me what a friend should be, how a friend should treat you and how you should treat a friend. She was there for every break down and every moment of weakness and I was there to help with her girls. It was truly a give and take relationship. 

After that I began hardcore friendship dating for the next 8 months. I didn’t even think of guys. I chased girls for friendships. People at the office thought I was silly because I had my calendar on my desk with lunch dates scheduled for the next 3 weeks with different ladies from the office. I went on lunch dates with everyone. 

I also started making plans with anyone and everyone, girls only, to hang out. Desperate for female relationships. It’s weird looking back on it now how many people asked me to come over for dinner and cook for me. My June-September was slammed full of activities with girlfriends. I was a little girl player 😏

Relationships are so important and I believe female to female connectedness is so important because who understands you like another lady does? Who can read your mind and beat a dead horse until there is absolutely nothing left and repeat the same scenario 10 times over and not get frustrated? 

Males and females are built differently. They are wired differently. You can’t get the same needs met through a man than you can a woman. At the same time, I still want a man in my life and at the right time it will come along. I am just not desperate for a man because I have learned to cultivate female connectedness and develop deep meaningful relationships that I would truly be devastated if I lost. 

Women need each other more than women need men. Men are good, they are great, they are awesome! They are really amazing for certain things but they cannot satisfy all of your needs. They cannot be there for you the way your female friends can. 

That is what I was missing in my relationship of five years was female connectedness. I had none. I had to build mine from nothing. I had to start from zero. 

Mindi Kahling puts it best 

You have to recognize that you have different levels of friendship. There are some people that belong in your top A tier, they are your inner circle. There are some people who belong in your B tier, they are your close friends. Then you have your C tier, they are your friends you go out with from time to time. Then you have your D tier, they are your acquaintances. Hell, have as many tiers as you want. 

Just remember to create boundaries and not everyone deserves the same level of friendship. It has to be reciprocated. Treat people how you want to be treated, but also learn when to walk away gracefully. 

You have to learn the art of friendship. You have to learn to take care and nourish a friendship like you would a plant. The way I nourish my friendships is by writing love notes. (Don’t mind the food)

I write love notes to tell the special people in my life why they are special to me, because I am a writer. I also do it by spending quality time with them, because that is my language of love. My friend Kaitlyn, her love language is totally gifts. She is always giving me love gifts and it’s something she loves to do because that is her love language. But if you want to maintain friendships you have to nourish them. 

You can’t just call someone a friend and not really be there for them. That’s not really a friendship. That’s just a title and that’s just as bad as being friends on Facebook and stalking people’s pages but never really reaching out to them to say hello. If you want fulfillment learn the art of friendship. 

Women need relationships to feel fulfillment in life and not just casual relationships. Deep, meaningful, thoughtful, relationships that really make you feel connected and part of something bigger than yourself. 

That is part of the reason I feel so blessed right now. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many meaningful relationships I have developed in the past 8 months, and they are only growing deeper and stronger as the days go by. I am so blessed because of the kindness they are showing me by bringing me bagels *shout out Donna* or clothes or words of encouragement or asking advice or asking for help. Like you needing me means just as much to me as me needing you. Reach out, lean in. We all need each other!